The Life I Thought I Wanted
by tiffthom
Summary: Five lifetimes. One love. Happiness, right?


It's the most rain Karakura has had in years. The streets are flooding. People have lost their belongings. If it continues, the shelters worry that the overflow will be too great. There are no children playing happily at nearby parks. Summer is eclipsed by shades of gray and a deluge. Everyday life and its mundane tasks seem attractive again because there is nothing to do. Even a simple trip to buy groceries is often out of the question. Life is warped, stalled like time has frozen. The need to get out and rejoin the hustle and bustle of the world is maddening, but others are overwhelmed by the world and its speed. It's safer to stay inside, and many lament the freedom they once had before it was all washed away. There is no freedom, no vast expanse of cloudless skies, and no light of assured change. There is nothing but the rain.

Usually when Orihime is struck with an unhappy mood, she quickly collects herself, but she no longer feels responsible for just _her_ feelings. She's a wife and mother now. Fatigue shows in her glossy eyes, in the tenderness of her muscles, and in the cries of her child. Her husband is in a funk that's trudged on for the last ten years. She doubts her abilities as a wife when he becomes especially distant, but being attentive to their child is more demanding.

Kazui wants nothing more than to scamper around town visiting the people his father told him about; the saviors of the world. He often escapes his mother at unimaginable speeds. Orihime begins to feel the urge to train and develop her own quickness and perhaps craft some technique that would give her god-speed. Though she's tried to bury Sosuke Aizen as deeply into the recesses of her mind as he is in _Muken_ , she sometimes remembers the surge of power she felt when he said that her abilities infiltrated God's territory.

It was the first time that she believed she was a valuable member of her team. She blamed herself for putting everyone in harm's way, for believing that she could shield them all simply by going to _Hueco Mundo_. To this day, she still does.

If only her desire to reject the _Hogyoku_ hadn't been a silly dream. Truly, she longed for peace and it had been her downfall. She wanted the war to be over and believed they could escape unscathed. Halcyon days skirted just out the reach of her fingertips, and when it was all over, she'd lost the courage to thwart the defected captain's plans, lost the reason why she left in the first place, and nearly lost the mold of perfection she tried with all her might to hope and pray Ichigo into.

 _Why was I so afraid then? Why didn't I have faith in him?_ These questions ring in her ears and there still isn't an answer.

Fear arrested and restrained her in _Hueco Mundo_. Fear nearly cost Ichigo his life and humanity. Afterwards, it was fear that assisted the betrayal that Tsukishima formulated to completely break the boy she loved. She was never useful to Ichigo like she wanted to be.

Kisuke Urahara had dismissed her abilities long ago because he believed more in the Fourth Division's. Finally, out of pity, she reasoned, the perverted purveyor of candy asked if she wanted him to train her. She leapt at the opportunity. Perhaps he thought it was better to keep an eye on her. Perhaps he believed she'd go off with the enemy again. She wanted to hate him for his bluntness, but she couldn't. He was the only one who handled her like she wouldn't break. He'd offered her a real chance to fight alongside Ichigo. She promised to be strong in the next battle so she put all that she had into her training. Urahara had trained Ichigo and oversaw Chad's training with Renji. He almost enticed even Uryuu with his knowledge of Quincy history, and tried to convince him that what he knew could be of use to him. Uryuu declined, as usual, and began working on his own misguided plan to subdue their new enemy. Perhaps Mister Hat and Clogs had foreseen that as well.

 _Ishida._

The relief that she felt after realizing the proud Quincy had not betrayed them reinvigorated her hope that they would not all die in Soul Society. With tears in her eyes, she remembered all the times he tried to protect her and all of the ways he was a friend to her. Still, he was not quite enough to dull Ichigo in her eyes. The substitute _shinigami_ was the love of her young life, and Ishida was only the friend that she could depend on and entrust with her deepest secrets. If she'd known then what she knew now, how different would everything be?

In the final battle as they faced the Almighty, Ichigo said he counted on her and it was all she needed to feel strong. In a moment, he looked at her, and she knew there was a reason. She hoped that he saw her strength; the will in her eyes enabling her to stand beside him, but he admitted he'd only bought time to awaken his inner hollow. Is that why he specifically looked at _her_? After being utterly consumed by that monster once at her request to be saved, had he come to associate the eradication of everything good about him with her? The thought terrified her. It turned out that she couldn't stand with him. Try as she wanted, she could not find warmth near his black sun. Even with his reassurance that she had nothing to fear, she couldn't focus, and they were overwhelmed by the father of the Quincies.

After the battle ended, and Yhwach faded away, everyone who was alive and able gathered around to see what victory looked like. Ichigo stood still in the distance with eyes that had lost all life. Renji was atop a crumbling building looking thankful. Sosuke Aizen smiled at the _ryoka_ boy who exceeded his expectations and once brought him to his knees. His smile seemed joyful like the end of loneliness. Suddenly, a _kidō_ barrier surrounded the ex-Fifth Division captain, and he went face-down on the ground. An emaciated white hand with an annoying manicure pressed a button and muttered an unbothered "that's that."

Members of the Stealth Force arrived to take Aizen away, and before his departure, he passed the Captain Commander and mused, "Even for a man like me, that boy worried for my life."

Ichigo inhaled deeply and began falling to the ground. Orihime was jolted back to reality as she noticed his descent from the corner of her eye, but before she could respond, Rukia rushed to him in a flash and caught him in her arms. She was a tiny little thing but she was strong. Seeing the younger Kuchiki hold her high school crush so tenderly almost made her cry. _Why did she always save him?_ _Why had she changed his world?_

"Rukia," he said weakly. Actually, his voice was pregnant with desperation. "Rukia, you're okay?"

The petit lieutenant's shoulders bucked and it was difficult to tell if she was laughing or crying. As he lay on his back with hands gripping her arms with all of the might he hadn't spent in battle, she cradled his head in her small lap.

"Fool." Rukia _was_ crying. "That's my line."

Orihime didn't need to be close to see that his eyes had regained life once again.

The next weeks in Soul Society were weary. Rescue and recovery efforts had little success. A few friends were alive and well and others were laid to rest. Some had whereabouts unknown. Shunsui Kyoraku arrived at the Kuchiki manor where the group stayed to speak to Ichigo about next steps. It didn't seem real when he explained that Soul Society's savior would not be able to return to the World of the Living. His _reiatsu_ had become too unstable. The harm he would inflict on the souls of the blissfully ignorant masses would only offset the restoration undertaken to reverse the damage Yhwach set into motion by destroying the Soul King. Ichigo gnashed his teeth bitterly and grabbed the Commander by his robes. 

" _I_ destroyed the Soul King! It was me. I'm to blame. Captain Ukitake – He would still be alive if not for me!" 

Guilt swallowed him as he thought of the lives he couldn't save, and Orihime felt she'd double over from the pain tearing at her. Rukia was breathing deeply and remaining cool. It was as if she meditated. Byakuya placed a firm hand on Ichigo's shoulder, and he released Kyoraku and fell to the floor weeping. The usually stoic Kuchiki's face contorted violently. He hurt for the substitute who bore a cross that was never meant for him. The burden was too great for such a young one as Ichigo. Kyoraku ordered Ichigo to look at him. 

"If I let you take all of this on like this was only your battle, that handsome bastard would never forgive me. Listen, Ichigo, we all lost something, and the one to blame is dead. The only thing you're guilty of is saving Soul Society once again. _Don't_ despair. The _Gotei_ is prepared to die to maintain the balance. Be proud to have been a part of that and stop crying. You need to focus on how you'll part from your family because you cannot return to your life with them." 

Everyone fell silent as the real issue at hand was once again reiterated. Ichigo was able to get his bearings and thanked the older man for his compassion and for kicking his ass with harsh reality. Ichigo would be given time to recover from battle, then finally travel to the Living World to say goodbye to his family. Kyoraku promised to escort him personally. The boy mulled over the particulars, wondering if he'd have to die, but was reminded by Kisuke Urahara, who showed up out of nowhere inciting the anger of everyone who'd tirelessly searched for him, that the death of the strawberry's mortal body was not necessary since his soul chain had been severed long ago. Finally, Ichigo accepted the plan and was given a week to rest.

What scared Orihime the most was how _easily_ he accepted this fate. He was happy. Over the next few days, he became close to Shunsui who promised him the position of Captain of the Eighth. The idea was for Ichigo to be trained properly and outfitted to lead.

"What about Yuzu and Karin?" Orihime conjured the courage to ask him. 

He sighed deeply, showing her that he'd worried about them the most. It was true that his father was a goofy idiot but he was also a former captain. He was more than equipped to protect his sisters. 

"It's not like I have a choice, Inoue. I'll miss them but I'll get to visit, and they're able to come here as well. I just need to learn to control my power. I still have a lot to learn and it's best I do that here." 

He _was_ _happy_. He was ready to start this new journey and chapter of his _shinigami_ existence. Orihime worried about Yuzu and Karin but she also worried about herself. Ichigo would discard his normal, mortal body and leave for Soul Society, and she'd have no more time to find the strength to tell him that she was completely in love with him. 

"Kurosaki, I –" Before she finished, she noticed Rukia coming towards them. 

She looked at Ichigo and Orihime pensively wondering if she'd interrupted something. Her eyebrow twitched quickly and then she smiled. She jumped up high and brought an elbow down on Ichigo's head. He fell to the floor shouting expletives. Orihime placed an awkward hand behind her head and laughed half-heartedly. _Why did she always do that?_ It was obvious that Ichigo was still recovering but Rukia insisted on making it difficult for him. He got up from the floor and muttered something about her being a midget. She called him a fool and they were doing that dance. The Sun King and Moon Queen had their own dance, language, and world. Orihime felt suffocated but refused to squander this chance. 

"Kurosaki," she interrupted. 

They stopped and looked at her the way children look at a teacher calling for their attention. Ichigo's eyes narrowed. He knew that something bothered her. Rukia extended a hand up to Orihime's forehead, also noting that she didn't look well, but she backed away. 

"I'm fine," she said quickly. "I just really need to talk to Kurosaki-kun." 

Rukia and Ichigo exchanged glances. He stuck his tongue out at her mockingly and she walked away to give them privacy. Orihime made it up her mind to finally tell him, and now, it was difficult with reminders of him and Rukia and their ease with each other undermining her confidence.

He listened as she stammered at first, then suddenly gained her footing. She recounted the moments they had vanquishing enemies and preserving existence. She talked about what the weather was like on the day she realized that she didn't just think of him as cute or kind or fun to be around. She'd never given him the particulars of what happened when she was intercepted by Ulquiorra, and decided to address his bewilderment about how she was able to come and heal him that night.

"I chose to visit _you_ , Kurosaki-kun, because I-I," she paused and breathed deeply. "I love you. I've always loved you. Fighting beside you in this battle is something I'll never forget. I'm sorry I couldn't help very much. Please, please, Kurosaki-kun, don't stay in Soul Society. Your family needs you. If you left, I'd be so lonely."

She cried, and he closed his eyes to say a quick prayer for strength.

After Ginjo died, Ishida summoned him for a heart to heart. They discussed the Soul Society's shady efforts to monitor and restrict him. They talked about things they went through in the past and if they'd ever have a normal future. Ichigo admitted that he no more wanted normalcy than Ishida did when he lost his Quincy powers.

" _I just want to be able to protect everyone. It'd be nice to not have to do it so often, you know? Take a little break in between getting my ass kicked," Ichigo laughed._

 _Ishida bit his lower lip and sighed._

" _Kurosaki, Inoue is in love with you. I'm saying it because you're an idiot and you don't see it."_

Even though he said it plainly and it couldn't be unheard, Ichigo ignored it. They were in high school. She was a girl. He was a guy that she was around all the time. It's easy to think something is there when there isn't. But the question of why didn't she feel that way about Ishida or Chad gnawed away at the back of his mind. She felt that way about only him because to her, her feelings were real. Ichigo knew. He'd never bring it up as long as she kept quiet. He didn't want to hurt her.

He watched her wait for him to say something. Her eyes reflected a mixture of hope, regret, and uncertainty.

"Inoue," he started.

God, he didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want to hurt anyone. He worked hard to hone his power and to defend the lives of those he cared about, but he'd never be able to defend their hearts.

"I don't – I don't feel the same way. I care about you a lot, but I'm– I'm sorry."

Her eyes widened and she almost choked on the tears that were ready to fall. She hoped _so much_ that he shared her feelings. She was completely devoted to him and he was always so far away from her. But she knew the one who could draw him in, the one he'd never turn away, the one she just couldn't measure up to in his heart.

 _Rukia._

She'd admitted it to herself time and time again. Rukia changed his world. They weren't _just_ friends. Her presence was enough to lighten any darkness that he faced, and Orihime hated it. It made her sick. One encounter with Rukia had transformed Ichigo's entire life. She admired Rukia and considered her a friend, but why among all the small _shinigami's_ powers, was her most dazzling ability to completely undo the boy that _she_ loved? Didn't he simply _care_ about Rukia a lot while she was the girl that he loved? Telling herself this kept the truth at a distance because it hurt too much.

She gathered her resolve and hurriedly told him not to worry about it before leaving. She ran without even knowing where she would end up. After making it away from the Kuchiki compound, she stopped for breath and to dry her tears. He didn't feel the same way. He didn't love her. What was next? She didn't know how she could go on just being his _friend._ She'd kept that lie up with her silence and now it all spilled out. She remembered she would probably never see him again. He would belong to Rukia. She turned a corner and sank down to the ground. She cried loudly, yet hoped no one was nearby to see or hear her, but _he_ was there.

Ishida rushed to her and brought himself down to sit beside her. He knew that she had finally said it; the truth that consumed her daily life and brought out her power. It was clear that it was only a matter of time since Kyoraku announced his plans for Ichigo. This was her chance, and he knew the outcome.

" _Stop fuckin' around, man. Orihime knows we're just friends. She —"_

" _Kurosaki, she doesn't know. She hopes you feel the same way. Why can't you see how crazy she is about you?"_

 _Sometimes Ishida wanted to slap him. There wasn't the desire to run him through with an arrow, wrestle, or brawl. He just imagined bitch-slapping his Quincy relative. Inoue was kind and beautiful, thoughtful and reliable, and Ichigo was oblivious._

" _I love Rukia, Ishida."_

 _There was no point in slapping or scolding him. As much as he hated Inoue's heart being broken, he knew how much Ichigo and Rukia meant to each other. He knew they were two sides of the same coin and their bond was unwavering. As he lay bleeding in the rain, he'd heard it all. Ichigo had found the love that Inoue wanted, that anyone wanted, and didn't need very much else._

Byakuya made a fuss about the noise Ichigo and Rukia made so late into the night, and sent Ichigo to his room. The Kuchiki leader walked him to the opposite side of the property, ensuring that he would be far away from Rukia. He even stuck around to make sure the young man didn't sneak away. Ichigo rolled his eyes, showered, and drifted off to sleep quickly.

 _He wandered down the halls towards her room. He was never consistent with his ability to sense reiatsu, and the mansion with far too many rooms had him all turned around, but he would always find her. He arrived to her room and gently stepped inside as she slept, tiptoeing to her side. He snuggled next to her but backed away after feeling a warm sensation on his right arm. He relied on the light of the moon to assist his sight, and saw that he was covered in blood. He fumbled around the room searching for a light switch, and there was Rukia's still body and a wall stained with scarlet letters._

" _Despair now."_

 _He remembered the warning, those ominous words spoken to him in the thick of battle._

" _For I shall find the future, that one moment in time where each of you feel the greatest amount of joy and happiness, and it is there that I shall slaughter you."_

Ichigo was jarred awake by the nightmare and covered in sweat. His bare feet hurt from the impact of running on the wooden floors. He had to get to Rukia. He rushed inside of her room and she was already awake having sensed the frenzy of his _reiatsu_. She rose to her feet quickly and turned on the light. He stared at her with wild eyes like he would lose his mind. He pulled her close, holding her almost too tightly. She wriggled in his embrace and his arms fell slack to his sides. He shook his head in disbelief and fell to his knees. She begged to know what was wrong.

"I can't do it. I can't stay here. I have to continue my life in the World of the Living or you'll die."

Five days passed until he was healed, and they kept their distance. Ichigo left to stay at the Eleventh's barracks. After letting everyone know that he was going back home, the powers-that-be worked hard to figure out a way to make his change of heart possible. At first there was protest, but after hearing his thoughts on Yhwach's warning, it was decided that it was in the best interest of everyone to deem the almighty Quincy's threat as a promise. Would they really have to live a life of misery to avoid misery? When fate twisted, it never failed to be cruel. Mayuri Kurotsuchi and his former captain teamed up to kick around ideas of how to create a way for Ichigo to go back to his life with his fearsome _reiatsu_.

"It simply can't be helped," the succeeding head of the Department of Research and Development concluded.

Much work needed to be done to secure the balance of the four dimensions and the task could not be completed overnight. Ichigo's potential to damage the souls of the living would likely impede or undo their efforts entirely. There was but one unfavorable course of action. Kisuke reasoned that the only way to send Ichigo back would be to remove his powers. With a few modifications, he could use the sword that absorbed _reiatsu_ to be deposited into Ichigo to completely drain the young man of his own. Mayuri rolled his eyes for not seeing the obvious solution, and avoided his cheeky predecessor's self-satisfied grin. They presented their theory to everyone and Ichigo fought it tooth and nail.

"No! Find another way. I'm not losing my powers again,"

Kisuke subdued him much like he had years ago, pinning him under the point of _Benihime_.

"What I'm saying is you cannot go back as you are. In your current condition, we would never be able to undo the imbalance Yhwach caused. There is no other way, Ichigo. Either lose your powers or we take our chances."

Ichigo closed his eyes and sat up. Kisuke gave him some room and confirmed that they had already prepared the sword for use. Shunsui was not willing to take a chance and risk the universe's order for the sake of just a boy and a shinigami. He sympathized with Ichigo's predicament but there was too much at stake.

"He won't be around for much longer, Rukia," Renji said. "You should go see him off."

She was tired of saying goodbye.

They met at the _Senkaimon_ the next day. Everyone else had gone ahead. Orihime wished Rukia well and stopped to see Ichigo's face before turning to leave. He looked destroyed. His eyes had lost their life again. His power was swallowed up and used to stabilize the _Dangai_ for travel. He was grateful that he could still do some good even without his abilities, but the faulty consolation was a way to cope with never seeing her face again, never feeling her determination, never witnessing the beautiful bankai and invigorating chill he knew came only from her, and never having the future he longed for. He was thankful that he could see Rukia fully, this time, instead of watching her fade away. It helped being in spirit form in the Soul Society, but once he passed through the gate, he wouldn't feel her anymore. He made every attempt to hold on. He asked her to come visit in a _gigai_ soon so that he could take her ice skating. She hung her head and nodded that she would. His heart flurried at the remembrance of the seventeen months he struggled just trying to keep up with life without her. He hated the world for still turning.

"Promise me that you will visit me!"

His voice hitched as he choked on his fear that they would never see each other again. She shook her head and revealed that repairing the worlds could take years. She would not be able to pass to the World of the Living. His eyes widened in horror. No one told him the full ramifications of his decision. He'd already planned months of things for them to do when she visited.

"Nii-sama told me before I left to come here," she said. "I asked him why he didn't tell me sooner and he said it would be too painful. What's done needed to be done."

That old feeling overwhelmed him again. _Betrayal._ Byakuya had been reduced to a sobbing mess by the most demented Quincy in Yhwach's army. He begged Ichigo to protect the Soul Society and this was how he showed his gratitude? One final attempt to keep him and Rukia apart.There were always so many secrets. They were all so dubious and strategic while he just gallantly swung his sword to protect them. Why was he always unaware of their plans to hurt and burden him for their benefit? Hadn't it rained long enough? He clenched his fists and sighed.

"Rukia, maybe we can fix this! It shouldn't be like this. I'm sorry. I—"

"Goodbye, Ichigo."

She pushed him back and faded away against the blinding light of the _Senkaimon_. The gate closed and it was Karakura Town after the Aizen incident all over again.

"Rukia!"

He called for her desperately, reached for her painfully, but she was already gone. She knew it so she set him free. He was seconds from breaking down and charging into Kyoraku's office to force him to authorize a way for his powers to be returned. Yhwach and his threats be damned. He just wanted her. She could sense his thoughts of doing something rash so she ended their farewell quickly saving them both the trouble of hearing that what was done was done.

"Ishida-kun, I'm pregnant. Ichigo wants to marry me," Orihime beamed. 

Almost four years had come and gone. Joy spilled out of her like a torrent dominating a broken levee. He tried to focus, and felt his mouth sour with genuine bitterness. He adored her, but was well aware of how blind she could be. She was Ichigo's duty now just as she'd always been but she couldn't see it. Having his power emptied and resigning himself to the World of the Living didn't change anything. He didn't propose out of love. He didn't fuck her out of love. It was all just duty and the result of a night of self-loathing, but now he had to protect her. Kurosaki and his fateful death god complex. He would never shake it.

Orihime was a brilliant woman. Often, she'd pick up on the slightest details that normal perception could never detect. She even understood Ichigo's often indecipherable nuances, but when she wanted to be blind, she was. When she wanted to hope against hope and reject what was right in front of her, she did.

And so, they were married. They built a life together even though Ichigo casually proposed to her after dinner at her apartment, and even though he opted to continue living at home with his father and sisters because it was "good for [them] all to stay close."

" _Bullshit. He just wants to stare at that empty closet until the end of time. He barely even tried to move on."_

Ishida knew better.

The wedding was small. Ishida and Chad, as well as Ichigo's family, and other friends from high school were the only guests. The vows were short. Ichigo promised to protect Orihime and their family even though he didn't believe he was capable of it. It was the happiest day of her life.

"He made the right choice," she believed with all of her being.

Their child, Kazui, was born and he was the perfect combination of them both. Ichigo was a proud and doting father and Isshin was an overbearing grandfather with personalized T-shirts that conveyed his obsession. Everything had worked out for the better.

One night, the gang met at Urahara's shop to catch up. Parenthood had exhausted the Kurosakis and at the behest of Tatsuki, they gathered. They'd seen each other here and there but Kazui was now six years old. The friends decided it was high-time for a proper meeting with drinks included. They always avoided speaking of the Soul Society. Ichigo fidgeted the entire time. Orihime knew he had questions. Chad requested a second bowl of rice, and Jinta groaned.

"You're worse than that moocher," he whined. "I bet he's eating those Kuchikis out of house and home."

Ichigo stiffened and complete silence fell on the room. He glared at Kisuke, and the ex-captain sighed. He explained that they were nearing the last days of securing the worlds, and that Rukia would be promoted to the position of Captain of the Thirteenth in a short while. A smile found Ichigo's lips. Ishida pushed back his glasses with his middle finger, and there was no mistake. Happiness wrapped itself around his old friend just as it did after he was told that he would have to stay behind in the Soul Society. He watched Orihime's eyes falter from the sight. Chad exhaled tiredly.

"I hear she's perfected her bankai in quite the fearsome way, and she passed the captain's exam a few years back."

Ichigo was confused. If she passed the exam so long ago, why was she just being promoted? Kisuke picked up his understanding and explained that Rukia was doing lighter work as a lieutenant due to her pregnancy.

"She and Renji have a daughter. Her name is Ichika."

The killing blow. Ichigo felt fifteen again, like he'd been pierced and felled by Byakuya, and Rukia had been taken away, and Renji had stopped her from going to him. His breath caught in his throat and he tried to collect himself, but he was torn to pieces. The rain was falling hard and he nearly drowned.

"Ichika," was all he could say.

Days later, Rukia and Renji are fitted with _gigais_ and visit the Kurosaki family. Orihime watches her husband's face light up at the sight of the new shinigami captain. He mockingly pats her on the head muttering something about Kyoraku going senile for letting her be promoted, and she jokes about the clinic with no patients. Once they're inside, everyone fawns over each other. Rukia tells Orihime how beautiful she is, and Orihime can't help but blush.

"You know, midget, I liked you better with short hair," Ichigo quips.

"Fuck you, Ichigo," Rukia hisses.

Renji places a confident hand on his wife's shoulder and pulls her close, and Orihime catches Ichigo quickly avert his eyes. They'll be gone soon. It gets her through the sickening display. She goes to help Yuzu and Karin bring in the groceries.

"I thought that rain was never going to stop! I'm glad it did in time for us to sit down and watch the fight without fear of the power going out," Karin plops down on an armchair.

Kazui flashes downstairs with a missing redheaded girl, and Ichigo's face changes again. He looks at the little girl tenderly, and Orihime isn't sure if he'd even looked at his own son that way.

"Hi, I'm Ichika," the child says.

Ichigo is dumbstruck. Though Ichika undeniably has Renji's hair, she is Rukia's copy. He crouches to get a better look at her, and he's diminished by her eyes. The piercing violets sparkle like the purest ice. Ichika smiles and falls into his arms, offering a hug. He holds her tightly. In that moment, he feels so incredibly close to the shinigami he's loved for too long. His heart aches with pride, and bitterness for what could have been, but he won't be selfish. Rukia finally has the family she grew up without. She's a captain. Her daughter is beautiful and strong, and Rukia is even more lovely since they said that hard goodbye, and he _loves her long hair_. Her happiness is enough to calm the storm that unceasingly rages just long enough until they part again.

"I'm Ichigo," he says.

Orihime announces that she's going out for more snacks. Since there's no more rain, it's easy to navigate the city. Tatsuki offers to join her but she declines. She'll be quick. Everyone crowds around Ichigo and Rukia, and she's barely made it out the door. She drives past four supermarkets until she reaches Karakura General Hospital. She makes it to the lobby, checks in, and waits. She's tired as hell of waiting.

"Mrs. Kurosaki," the receptionist calls her.

She's too lost in thought to realize that he's already made it down to see her. She considers the title "Mrs. Kurosaki," and wonders why it doesn't sound as sweet as it used to. A cleared throat snaps her into reality. He is so handsome. She doesn't think it's possible. He probably hates looking so much like his father even though the tumultuous two have made amends and enjoy a decent relationship nowadays.

"Ishida," she beams.

She stands up to hug him and they walk back to his office. Ishida had refused Ichigo's offer to meet at his home for Chad's fight. He's supposedly on a tight schedule but made time when she called him after leaving to replenish the refreshments. As he explained, it was hard for him to refuse her. Once the door of his office shuts, something inside of her opens. She's breaking and can't summon enough power to stop. Ishida turns away from the pain in her eyes, and curses Ichigo under his breath. When his friend explained that Rukia was coming to visit, he knew how it would go, and didn't want to witness it.

"Why doesn't he love me, Ishida?"

Orihime weeps softly, and he walks her over to the couch. She sits down and he prepares her a glass of water. She sips absently, and stares into the glass as if it holds the answers she needs. Ichigo has been aloof since they all returned to the World of the Living ten years ago. He's still kind and sometimes, he reaches for her or accepts her in the middle of the night, but he isn't the same. She feels like a stand-in so she visited Ishida often. They talk for hours about the way life is going, how it's changed, fashion, cooking, and his job as a doctor. He encourages her to open a bakery and had even offered the startup capital to make it happen, but she refused. She felt it would hurt Ichigo's pride. They lived a modest life that might have been blissful had Ichigo not taken the path of least resistance because of his inability to move forward.

Ishida is tired. He is so tired of giving her pep talks about hanging in there with Ichigo. He is tired of waiting for the strawberry's guilt to finally consume him and leave Orihime completely broken.

"What do you expect? He never loved you," he says plainly.

A lump lodges in her throat as she struggles to find what to say. He said it so nonchalantly. It's a simple truth for him but it keeps her awake at night. She's tried to figure them out; Ichigo's feelings for her.

Ishida's eyes go distant and she can't find the tenderness he's reserved just for her in them. She always knew he cared for her and though she never saw him in that way, slowly over the last two years, she'd come to rely on him, and anticipate when they'd meet again. He's good to her. He picks up the pieces. He's _there_ , more near than the man she shares a home and bed with. Orihime can't repay such kindness. She supposes they both really are the same; constantly reaching for what they can never get close to so without another thought, she pulls him close.

As he crashes against her lips, eyes open, he tries to fight the flush in his cheeks, the warmth that pools in his belly, and the hardness that pains him with anticipation. After dominating her mouth and feeling the impact from pushing her against the wall, he comes to his senses and distances himself from her with more force than he intends. She wipes her lips and bows her head.

"Ishida, I'm sorry. I didn't mean—"

"Get out," he grits.

She doesn't understand at all. His demeanor changes faster than she's able to register. Just a moment ago as she tasted the sweetness of his breath, she could feel how much he desired her and it made her wonder if maybe they could have had something. If she'd only seen it. If she'd only given him a chance. If she wasn't so focused on hoping Ichigo would love her, what would her life be?

Ishida's disgusted with himself. He knew this moment would come. She's always coming to him with her complaints about her husband. Hours on end elapse as she prattles about silly articles she reads that provide tips on making a man happy, and being a good wife. She clings to the idea of happily-ever-after with Ichigo. At night when loneliness doesn't let up or when he sees something in passing that would make her smile, Ishida thinks of how Orihime bewitched him all those years ago, and how she bewitched him even now. The woman he loves is married to his friend, his best friend, whom he hates sometimes simply because of her.

"I can't be your way out, Inoue," he says. "I can't be the one you fall back on because you're just now accepting what we've all known. You said it yourself to me. She's always been more than just his friend. He's always longed for her so much like I— like I longed for you. I am not second to him. Please leave."

Orihime shakes until she makes it back to the car. Once she exits the parking garage, the rain returns so fiercely that she can barely see the road ahead of her. Tears well in her eyes, falling fast and heavily. She'd always liked the rain. Sometimes she danced in it and wished to be like it, but now she understands why her husband hates it so much.

Out of all the possible outcomes she imagined, this is not the life she wanted.


End file.
